One Day I'll Have a Gastrointestinal Disease Named After Me
I usually prefer to let the booze start the talking and follow its lead, but Jewschool Dan sends me tried-and-true tips for writing the Traditionally Crappy Bar Mitzvah Toast.
-------- Original Message --------Hmm, I'll probably go the Lou Gehrig route.
Subject: bar mitzvah speech
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2025 13:09:53 +0200
From: Dan 'Mobius' Sieradski
To: Andrew Krucoff
a) today i am a man
b) relate it back to a concept in the torah portion you're reading
c) find ways of talking about how annoying your "siblings" were through the entire process
d) be really, really cheeky
e) lament your parents not being around to be part of this monumental experience
f) say something blatantly offensive about non-jews
g) talk about how lame the party is compared to the party you wanted to have
h) say something about the insights given to you by your rabbi or sleazy uncle when he was doing something really inappropriate with you, like "as i sat naked on his knee and he curiously rubbed himself..."
i) talk about how now you're embarking on a road towards greater responsibility to your fellow human being
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