Now that I'm back home, several people have asked to what extent has the brainwashing efforts of Aish HaTorah seeped into my head. Well, not enough that I'm ready to turn into a culture-mocking halloween caricature but I will admit I'm digging my splotchy new beard, even if it's mainly out of laziness. It's also up in the air if I can comfortably rock the Neatzit, which I bought solely for my Bar Mitzvah, back in New York without coming across too much like a four-cornered poser. (Frankly I'm surprised the look hasn't ended up in Misshapes or Cobrasnake photos. Message to Dov Charney: AA should be making these.)

I more formally answered these questions in a Jewish Week interview "Gawker Frums Out?" (hmm, sounds familiar) where I pledge in print that I would at least give up pork. I just hope science can manufacture a cud-chewing pig.

I'll save my full defense of Aish for another time. I know many in the yeshiva-educated community have varying opinions and I want to prepare my statements accordingly, but I have no problem with unabashedly attesting to the great experience offered in their Essentials program. I am amazed by the breadth and depth of material I learned there in a short amount of time (I was in classes on and off for about 3 weeks) and more importantly, it scared the shit out of my Post Modern Orthodox girlfriend which is always a fun side-effect.

Today, the Rappelling Rabbi Eliahu Ellis of Aish HaTorah guided a group of us through Qumran in the Judean Desert where the Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered accidentally in 1947 by two Bedouin shepherds looking for their "lost goat." He talmudically attested that there's some mountain cat, no doubt kosher, lurking in my big city rat exterior; I always landed on my feet. But there's no denying that the tar heel blue colored helmet I'm wearing gave a super gay U.N. peacekeeping mission feel to the morning.

Rock the Cistern (Middle Eastern Re-mix). I forgot to mention in yesterday's photo collage that various big-name music acts, including Radiohead who apparently charted in Israel with "Creep" long before any other country took notice, have played the Roman Amphitheatre in Caesaria to packed crowds who weren't always calling for the spilling of Jew blood.

Also, prog rock has never gone out of style in Israel which, like countless centuries of mid-tempo civilization changes and the construction of complex cities on top of old crusty ones, makes a lot of sense on several levels.

Mobius, Harry, and I visited Caesaria (center of the Roman occupation government of Judea) and Megiddo (mythical site of the Apocalypse) yesterday. Full photo set on Flickr but I offer brief commentary on a few of the less picturesque ones here.


This is Harry, once a struggling stand-up comic in New York, he now lives in Modi'in with his wife and enjoys reading about the two hottest Israeli supermodels whose names I can't remember nor could probably pronounce.


By the beach in Caesaria, garbage bins are cleverly disguised as miniature smoking Jawa sandcrawlers. Not nearly as impressive as the mothership in Dulles, VA.


When the End of Days is upon us, you'll find my fat ass eating ice cream at the Official Cafe of the Armageddon.


Forget all your heavy metal notions of an apocalyptic war with night goblins in bloody chainmail, I'm pretty sure it's gonna come down to thumb-wrestling. Perhaps an air guitar contest too. All praise Yngwie.


Overlooking the "battlefield" we discussed our "Armageddon Dream Fucks." I won't say who named who but the honorees were: Angelina Jolie ("I bet she's really dirty"), Natalie Portman (initial response was Paris Hilton but then he felt obliged to politically correct his choice), and Sarah Silverman ("but any nasty pornstar would do too").

It wouldn't be a proper niche blog scene without some mutual tuchis-rubbing, hence I direct my non-"Jew blog" reading audience to the Jewish and Israel Blog Awards 2025 hosted by The Jerusalem Post and Israellycool.com. I waited until nominations were closed to mention this because I didn't want any of my friends jokingly (and undeservingly) submitting Young Israelite for anything. Unfortunately there isn't a category for Most Self-Indulgent Bar Mitzvah Vlog Post.

For those who asked, the heroin strap around my arm and bird feeder on my head in the video is called Tefillin.

Looks like I'll be coming back to New York the morning of December 25th as originally planned instead of extending my trip through mid-January which I had been trying to do for the past couple of days. Apparently the British Airways ticket I bought via Travelocity came with the restriction that my return date could be no more than 30 days from my departure. To stay longer now, I'd have to buy a new one-way ticket home which is prohibitively expensive. I need to start reading things more closely. I suppose my work is done here. Time to go home and shine the light in the faces of all those wandering dark souls on the Lower East Side. Don't worry, my battery is low.

Finally took a stroll through Jerusalem's ulta-ultra Orthodox neighboord Mea Shearim with Dan Jewschool and it's every bit a walk into the past of an 18th century Eastern European ghetto as described in travel brochures. Earlier, we met Harry for lunch near the Mahne Yehudah shuk where a Yemenite "etrog medicine man" sprayed our faces with citrus zest, made us snort a liquid not unlike cayenne pepper, and offered a ginger/honey remedy made with "all the love of the world."

War On Christmas! Die trendy Jews! Hindus worth a bucket of piss! Islamofascists = Twenty-First Century's Christ Killers! No wonder so many people are finding religion on a yoga mat. Suggested reading: Organized Religion and God CORRECTION [HuffPo]

Gary Shteyngart imagines bedding journalists on the Lower East Side in the debut issue of Guilt & Pleasure Quarterly.

My Bar Mitzvah: Lo-Res 10MB | Hi-Res 27MB | YouTube
Video is naturally awkward and awash in holy light. I was shitfaced by 10am on arak and Russian vodka. I think the hair on my chest actually shrank. Videography by Mobius aka Jewschool Dan. Music by 50 Shekel. Special thanks to Laya/"CK" Dave of Jewlicious, Rabbi Ezra Weschler, and Dan Gordon at Aish for making this happen.

UPDATE: Sorry, I haven't had that kind of immediate hangover buzz before noon since those 7am "elbo room" parties in college and I forgot to thank the man who is really responsible for the warm, fuzzy feelings today: Dov Charney of American Apparel. The Jewlicious yiddos talked him into funding the booze and bagels supply. More drinking on Dov's dime tonight at the real BM party being held at an anarchist collective where I hope to pass out under a balloon arch.

Addidtional coverage of the Bar Mitzvah and later the party are now up on Jewlicious. There's even a podcast of it here courtesy of SoCal's Rabbi Yonah.

Proper backlash can be found at a comments thread near you!

I usually prefer to let the booze start the talking and follow its lead, but Jewschool Dan sends me tried-and-true tips for writing the Traditionally Crappy Bar Mitzvah Toast.

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: bar mitzvah speech
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 2025 13:09:53 +0200
From: Dan 'Mobius' Sieradski
To: Andrew Krucoff

a) today i am a man
b) relate it back to a concept in the torah portion you're reading
c) find ways of talking about how annoying your "siblings" were through the entire process
d) be really, really cheeky
e) lament your parents not being around to be part of this monumental experience
f) say something blatantly offensive about non-jews
g) talk about how lame the party is compared to the party you wanted to have
h) say something about the insights given to you by your rabbi or sleazy uncle when he was doing something really inappropriate with you, like "as i sat naked on his knee and he curiously rubbed himself..."
i) talk about how now you're embarking on a road towards greater responsibility to your fellow human being

Hmm, I'll probably go the Lou Gehrig route.

JC's big night got killed by the Elders at the Y?? Or did the Romans cross it off the schedule without nailing a confirmation? It's all very confusing but I better get a refund. I bought two tickets in frickin' August when the event was announced and I was all set to have a Bible Codes Crossword Puzzle Contest to give them away this week.

[If you're looking for something else to do on Thursday night, I suggest going to No Data's Office Holiday Party where the dress code is "commuter sneakers and bland skirts for females; pressed slacks and 60/40 dress shirts for the males. Ties optional."]

Perhaps Jesse Oxfeld, the real Jew of the two (but not nearly as pretty in a t-shirt), sabotaged the whole effort. It's interesting to note that Forward editor-in-chief J.J. Goldberg was scheduled to conduct the one-on-one with the half-queen well in advance of naming the Gawker duo to the Forward's 50 Most Influential Jews list. Make what you will of that but I point it out only to scoff at the falsely credited lines which Oxfeld stole from me:

"but read deeper and you'll quickly figure out that Jews, media and sex - which the Web site's editors call 'the Holy Trinity of our existence' - is a more accurate list of its preoccupations."

I swear dude, don't get anywhere near me in the world to come. You're getting the silent treatment.

Sorry guys, my parents were at least Judaically aware enough to make sure I was a cut beside the rest.

Related: Bris Milah - Beautiful Or Barbaric? [Aish]

*Here's the official invite to my Jewlicious/American Apparel Sponsored Bar Mitzvah on Thursday, December 15th in Jerusalem at the Kotel. Should be as gay as it sounds.


*The weather has been unseasonably warm since I got here. It's supposed to be cold and a little rainy this time of year but we've had nothing but short-sleeve and open-toe wearing conditions. Of course, by writing this, I just jinxed it all and the storms should start later today. No problem though, the country needs the rain and I certainly wouldn't want a "dry" Bar Mitzvah.

*We saw Hassidic reggae superstar Matisyahu (homeboy grew up in White Plains none too surprisingly) hanging out at Zion Square the other night. Kids we're flipping their kippas over the sight of him. I dunno, I'm still trying to catch Yossi Piamenta, the Jewish Hendrix. (Catch him Dec. 20th in New York.)

*I became deathly ill the other night which weakened my Jerusalem Complex of being the Messiah. Temperature of 103 with all the bodily functions ending in "-ing" that are associated with gastro's revolt. A fellow yeshiva roommate took me to an emergency care facility, Terem, and I was soon comforted when I found out socialized medicine meant "we're private, we don't accept that dollar-a-day health insurance you arranged before coming to Israel, now you have to pay, BUT, there's no wait." Fortunately the stomach bug was exterminated in less than 12 hours. I'm already back on solid, greasy foods.

*Lastly, I'm supposed to say this Vanity Fair parody is stupid and lacks any semblance of humor, right? Maybe I'll bite later but for now I'll ignore the anti-Semitic leitmotif since I'm above it, like a blackhawk (in Israel to be precise), and just a falafel stand away from placing an order to deep fry an over-the-hillel Canadian bacon bit.

The Jewlicious Jihad are turning into the real sponsors of my Israel trip and I've officially put them in charge of my non-Aish time here. (A rundown on other friendly souls, including Jewschool Dan who got me drunk on Wednesday with a bunch of leftist Yeshiva Yids at a Pearl Harbor party and then kept me up until 3am outside of Jaffa gate discussing Palestinian sympathizing and 9/11 conspiracy theories, another time.) But first, read about and see pictures of the hiking trip (with naughty 17 and 18 year old negiah girls splashing each other under a waterfall!) and a dip/float in the Dead Sea they took me on this past Tuesday. Below are my annotated notes.

*I think it would have been more appropiate if I was photographed holding a laptop and reading Buzzmachine. Word of caution about taking a Dead Sea float: 1) try not to spontaneously immerse your head underwater unless you want your eyes to burn for days, 2) there's no avoiding the flaming bunghole sensation but think of it as therapeutic or at the least disease-free, 3) and the strongest words I can flex, as passed on to me by a freckly-faced Tulane refugee studying at Hebrew U.: "Whatever you do here, don't fart in the Dead Sea."

*The girl on the far right and in the foreground is the one I helped up and over a rock. I had no idea this act of kindness meant I was offering my hand in marriage. Either that or she'll now have to cut hers off. On the upside, she's pretty cute.

*I always find it hard to pass up the opportunity of assembling present company for a half-assed picture in the Slint "Spiderland" pose.

*I'm still sore.

That's all, Shabbos shutdown is fast approaching and I need to buy some Bamba to survive it.

As I mentioned before, the Armenian kids are the most curious and forthcoming when I'm sitting on a stoop and writing email. Second from the left on the bottom row (bigger version) is Harout, a "regular" on this stretch of stone by the intersection of Ararat and Ha-Kinnor Roads. (Tip: this is where you get free wifi if you're in the 'hood.) He speaks pretty good English and proudly showed me this Armenian website. In turn, I did a quick Google search to find some songs to sing. I mainly listened.

All are invited to my Bar Mitzvah that will be held on December 15th at the "wake me up before you goy-goy" time of 8am at the Kotel (Western Wall) in Jerusalem. The service will be led by Ezra Wechsler who Laya of Jewlicious describes as "a funked-out young rabbi with a lovable crew of holy hippies." He is also the son of Rabbi Harlan Wechsler from the Upper East Side's Congregation Or Zarua.

I never had one when I turned 13 so I'm grabbing the opportunity as it hangs from an Israeli tree with all the weight of a watermelon. Festive drinking of red red wine, eating like a virgin olive oil coated lamb, wearing sunglasses at night, rocking like a hurricane, and neutron dancing in the dark (and sheets) will take place later in the evening. I would appreciate it if everyone could try their best to dress and act as if it was my original manhood year of 1984.

As Prince might say, let's go meshugah.

The shawarma curtains open to two guys on a street corner with the ringtone sounds of Iron Maiden's "Hallowed Be Thy Name" fading out...

CG: Oh, thank heavens. We were very worried when you said you would likely not be posting. Fearing the worst, we hired an operative on the ground in Jerusalem to tail you but for your safety, as well as his (or hers, we can't say, as I am sure you'll understand), said person shall have to remain nameless. Do not attempt to make contact with the op, as they are highly trained at blending in, avoiding detection, and growing beards.

YI: I think I know who the secret ops are - perhaps the 10 year old Armenians who compliment my shiny, great laptop and ask how much it costs? I tried to explain in so many words that it's more than their whole family will eat in a lifetime.

CG: Yes, in America, we get to buy great laptops with fast ability to show porn -- it's like renting the whores, instead of having to marry one.

YI: In other news, I'm really digging my beard. It's like a 70's style Playboy hair-pie on my face.

CG: I am growing a beard in solidarity. The tiny facial pubes are just starting to itch, but if I curl my tongue, it looks like a giant, alien clit.

YI: Exactly how the messiah is described in the Talmud.

CG: So, is it a barren desert over there? With sand in your ass crack and no potable water? That's how I envision it. But I'm probably thinking of the Bedouin. They're the ones that cut open their camel's stomachs to sleep in the warmth of the insides when they get stuck out in the deserts, right? (Man, Lucas totally stole that shit for "Empire." Nothing's sacred.)

YI: I dunno but I'll cover more geography tomorrow with a trip to the Dead Sea and Masada. For now, all I know is that Jerusalem (specifically the Old City) smells of kittens and kiddies. Homeless cats and baby yids running around everywhere.

CG: The kitty and diaper smell will be what you miss most once you leave, I suspect.

(Compiled without permission from emails with Kid Dig It and in no way connected to Michael McClure's masterpiece of ass.)

MT's right, I'll still post a little here and there, if only to point out others who I've tricked into proxy-blogging my trip. CK, Laya of Jewlicious and Jewschool Dan showed me a proper night out on Thursday in Jerusalem where I excitedly drank off five days of Yeshiva learning in a couple hours.

Then on Friday I continued the re-secularization process in Tel Aviv with Jacob and one of Prime Minister Sharon's speech writers, among other American Israelis who served in the IDF making PowerPoint presentations. Considering the political and militaristic blend of my hosts, I am not at liberty to discuss the events of the night.

The next day I spent on the beach and walking around Jaffa, most memorable to me for finding out this is where Harry Hamlin defeated the Kracken.

Special thanks to the people on the right who donated to the Young Israelite cause. All monies collected will be used exclusively by me for personal enjoyment and won't be distributed to any activist organizations or panhandlers with suspicious shabbat stories.

I should also mention my uncle, Larry Ottenstein, who I hadn't spoken with since I voted for Rev. Sharpton in Giuliani's 2nd term mayoral re-election (I didn't want to break my all-Democrat streak) until last week when I told him of my trip. He's now forgiven me and made his own generous donation even though he can barely afford bus fare in Baltimore. Now in his 70's, he fought in the 1973 Yom Kippur War and although he'll never see this website (please allow me to be sincere for just one minute), I'm dedicating this trip to him.